


Happy Detective Day!

by violent_ends



Series: Happiness Comes From Within, Bitches! [5]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Demons, F/M, Funny, Gen, LuciferLockDown, Original Character(s), Post-Season/Series 04, PromptSmiles, Romance, Romantic Gestures, Smart Trixie Espinoza, Soft Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23790130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violent_ends/pseuds/violent_ends
Summary: Now that Lucifer is in Hell, Chloe has completely forgotten that it's the one-year anniversary of that stupid surfer case in which Lucifer decided to focus entirely on her. That is, until a surly demon turns up on her doorstep, thrusts flowers in her face, and tells her, “Happy Detective Day from His Infernal Highness!”Or: the marvellous top-side journey of Saleos the peace-loving demon.
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Original Character(s), Chloe Decker & Trixie Espinoza, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) & Original Character(s), Trixie Espinoza & Lucifer Moningstar
Series: Happiness Comes From Within, Bitches! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670251
Comments: 117
Kudos: 523
Collections: Prompts for Smiles





	Happy Detective Day!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NotOneLine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotOneLine/gifts), [venividivictorious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/venividivictorious/gifts).



> Written for the #PromptsForSmiles project on Twitter, fulfilling the prompt you see in the summary + a second one: “Trixie decides to make up some human relationship traditions for Lucifer to follow, much to Chloe’s confusion.” Dedicated to the two lovely people behind these awesome ideas!

Saleos walks the winding paths and ash-beaten corridors of Hell with a bounce in his step. His daily round of tortures is done, and it left him satisfied and proud. Cutting or flaying or whipping the guilt out of uncertain souls can be exhausting, but when you succeed, it’s so worth the effort. And despite the fact that the work has doubled after the demon uprising, Saleos can’t find it in himself to be mad at his King.

After all, Lord Lucifer did what had to be done. Oh, Saleos had warned them, had warned them all: “Don’t go up there and upset His Majesty, he will not like it!” But no such luck: they ignored him. Overall, he has always been of a pacifist nature – well, as much as he can be – and he really didn’t understand why they couldn’t just keep doing their jobs in the King’s absence. Lord Lucifer would decide when to come back. Lord Lucifer was and is in charge around here.

Now back on his infernal throne, the angel is in a terrible mood, has been ever since his return. Was it worth it, then? To cause all that trouble and suffer the Devil’s wrath? Saleos hates that now even the demons who didn’t participate have to be careful around their Lord: who knows what could set him off. That’s why, for the most part, the Lilim keeps to himself and simply fulfills the duties assigned to him.

When His Infernal Highness summons him to his throne room through another demon sent to find him, Saleos assumes his workload will increase again, and tries to welcome it as patiently as he can. Lord Lucifer had to dismember many of the demons that rebelled and relegated others to shameful duties like cleaning after the torturers, so Hell is currently understaffed. It’s okay, he understands.

But as it turns out, he had it all wrong.

“Saleos of the Lilim, I have a job for you today,” His Majesty announces from the lower, smaller throne he uses to speak to them, secluded in the heart of his Infernal Palace. “A very important job, and one that shall remain a secret between you and me.”

Saleos dares to look up at him from his kneeling position, finding courage in the trust he can sense in the angel’s words. “I am eager to please you, my King. Say it, and it shall be done.”

Lord Lucifer looks happy, or as happy as he can be lately. “You see, as it happens, today is Detective Day up in the world of humans, and I find myself wishing to surprise said Detective with a romantic gesture.”

Saleos swallows, terrified of his own confusion. What... is the King... talking about?

“Uhm, Detective Day, Your Majesty? What- what is that?”

As expected, Lord Lucifer arches an eyebrow in annoyance and huffs, rolling his eyes. “For crying out loud, _Detective Day_! Does none of you _ever_ read the calendar I set up in the Main Hall? It was a bloody nightmare to keep track of time on Earth, let me tell you!”

“I- yes, I can imagine, my Lord. Apologies, I must have been too busy with my... work.”

He hopes the King won’t mistake his answer for a complaint: it’s just the simple truth, without any veiled accusation behind it. If this... occasion is important to his Lord, Saleos will be happy to do what is required of him to honor it. Given that he receives a proper explanation on the matter, of course.

“Apologies accepted,” the King of Hell says with a sigh. “I'll just fill you in, then, yes? But before I do that, I need to warn you of something.” The angel's gaze darkens, turns to sharp and cold steel. “This task will require you to travel to the world of mortals, so let me make myself perfectly clear... if you so much as touch a hair on _any_ human, alive or dead, I shall paint the walls of my dining room with your insides, Saleos. The place could use a fresh coat of red, come to think of it. Understood?”

Saleos shivers. He knows his master means every word, especially after the extreme measures he took against the bad apples of the demonic lot.

“I understand, my King. I wouldn’t dream of disobeying you. In fact, I won’t hesitate to prove it to you.” At that, he takes out one of the knives he keeps at his hip and slashes his own palm open without preamble, then intones solemnly, “I, Saleos of the Lilim, hereby swear not to harm any human during my journey top-side, on the sacred occasion of the so-called Detective Day. With Lilith Mother of Demons as my witness, may Hell itself swallow me whole if I betray my oath.”

Lord Lucifer’s eyes shine bright, his expression surprised and impressed. “Marvellous!” he exclaims, clapping his hands together. “Well, that’s just dandy. So, long story short: the Detective once accused me of only thinking about myself, so to prove her wrong, I created a holiday just for her. And today is, well... the first anniversary of it,” he concludes, turning pensive and sad.

Saleos tries to keep him talking, hoping it will cheer him up. “And how do you wish to celebrate it, Your Majesty? What is it that you want me to do?”

Unexpectedly, the King stuffs a hand in one of the inside pockets of his black suit and takes out a piece of paper, then curls his index finger toward himself to get Saleos to step closer. The demon does, slowly, mindful of the sharp, glowing feathers of the fallen angel's wings. He knows they are kept on display on purpose, a reminder of how effectively he used them during the recent purge.

“Here you’ll find her address and a list of the things I want you to deliver to her,” Lord Lucifer says as he hands him the folded note. “You will follow these steps carefully, complete the task, and then return here. If you’re ready, I'll pray to my brother Amenadiel, so he can come pick you up and then get you back down here without any nasty attempt at possession involved.”

Saleos nods vigorously, making sure there is no room for doubts about it. He still has to read the note, but before he does, he has a question.

“May I... speak openly, my Lord?”

Lord Lucifer’s jaw clenches, a telltale sign of a first, quiet spark of anger. “If you must.”

The demon shifts awkwardly on his feet. “Well... why not entrust such a mission to your brother himself, I wonder? I am sure he will be more familiar with the rules of the human world.”

Saleos doesn’t think there’s anything funny in his statement, and yet, the King snorts.

“Oh, you'd be surprised,” he answers with a smug grin, the beginning of a laugh, but not quite. “And regardless of that... romance is about _effort_ , my darling, clueless subject. The Detective needs to _feel_ that it’s coming from me. My brother means well, bless his heart, but I wouldn’t trust him with a dinner reservation, and it’s only recently that he started showing any interest in humans. You, on the other hand, have interacted with them for _millennia_. Well, sort of. But through your knowledge of Hell loops, I trust you are aware of how Earth works.”

That is true. Saleos knows the changes the world of the living has undergone: so much progress made in the fields of technology, art, culture, science. In a way, it’s reflected in their own methods of torture, in the visions the damned souls conjure up to punish themselves, and in the sins that lead them to come to rest down here in the Underworld. Places, motivations, murder weapons: they all have transformed over time, and so have humans.

Nodding in agreement, Saleos finally opens the note and starts reading the curved, elegant writing of his master. Yes, he knows what all the listed things are and how to get them, though he doesn’t fully understand the meaning behind some of them. Better not to question it – it’s not his place.

“You can keep the note,” the King tells him while he’s still reading. “I brought the paper here with me from Earth, so it can travel back to it, same as this.” His hand once again disappears inside his jacket, and comes back into view holding a stack of what humans call money. Still paper, to Saleos, but _valuable_ paper, for some reason.

The demon takes it and stuffs it in a pocket of his sturdy leather slacks, then finishes going over the list in his hand and puts that away as well. “Message received, my Lord. I think I'm ready now.”

“Lovely! Oh, and please assume a more... comely appearance, Saleos, dear. Humans don’t respond well to the sight of rotten flesh.”

“Right,” Saleos is quick to agree, remembering how souls recoil even harder in front of the demons' blackened, exposed muscles and sinews. Closing his eyes, he wills his skin to turn smooth and alive-looking, resembling that of a human in every way.

It dawns on him now, how much of an honor this is: he will travel to Earth in his form, without the need to inhabit a body, carried by the wings of an angel.

He _absolutely_ can’t and won’t disappoint his King.

“A knight in shining armor!” the Lord of the Underworld comments with a satisfied grin. “Well, as shining as it can be in this wretched, ash-infested hellhole.” Then he joins his hands together in prayer, turns his face upward and closes his eyes, his features scrunching up after a few beats. “Ugh, is this thing on? Let’s hope he didn’t go for a wank again. Not sure he even has the time with his teenage mutant ninja angel baby to take care of, but you never know.”

The words are incomprehensible to Saleos; then again, much of what Lord Lucifer says is, especially since he came back from his extremely long vacation. So he doesn’t say anything, and simply waits. Sure enough, after a few minutes there is a loud thump coming from outside the palace, probably signalling the landing of the warrior Amenadiel.

He might have startled involuntarily, because His Highness chuckles and goes, “Oh, don’t worry about him, I informed him of my intentions beforehand. He might be grumpy, but he won’t cause you any trouble unless you'll give him any reason to.” A pause. “Well? What are you waiting for? Go on then, before the day is over! Chop chop, shoo!” he motions with his hand, crossing his legs on the throne. “And leave your weapons here on the way out!”

With a reverent bow and a vigorous nod, Saleos turns and proceeds to get rid of the sword and curved knives he keeps on himself at all times. He places them on the long table further along the room, then turns again to seek approval in his master’s eyes.

Lord Lucifer looks pleased. “Perfect. I am counting on you, Saleos. It’s of paramount importance to me that you make the Detective happy today.”

“Yes, Your Majesty! You won’t regret it!”

He’s almost at the door when the King speaks again. “Oh, and Saleos?”

“Uh?”

“ _No crocodile._ ”

The demon pouts. He thought humans actually enjoyed having animals around! Granted, they don’t ride all of them, but they keep them on leashes or inside cages to stare at them, isn’t it so? What harm would his mount do?

“But... but Your Majesty-”

“Ah ah ah, no objections! LA is no Florida, dear. If I'll ever need to send one of you there, I promise you’ll be first on the list, yes?”

Saleos sighs. Well, that’s at least something. “Alright. Thank you, my Lord.”

And with that, he finally leaves the throne room. His armor clinks with every step as he walks out of the Infernal Palace and into the clearing at the entrance, where Amenadiel is indeed waiting for him with his arms crossed over his chest and an evident scowl on his face.

“Let’s get this over with,” the dark-skinned angel mutters, reluctantly opening his arms so that Saleos can fit in between and be carried across planes of existence. It’s admittedly awkward, once he finds himself forced to cling to Amenadiel’s middle, but he can’t risk being dropped between dimensions and left floating in a timeless, spaceless void.

The landing is sudden and dizzying, and the light of the sun is blinding after a whole life spent under dark, unmoving clouds. Somehow, daylight in the loops never felt quite as real, unable to provide any actual warmth. This one, instead, is palpable and pleasant, and Saleos takes a moment to soak it in. This will be an adventure!

“You can be trusted to be left alone, I understand?” asks the angel who once patrolled the Gates of Hell, one of his eyebrows arched questioningly. They are in what looks like an abandoned or half-finished building, presumably so the landing would go unnoticed by the humans of the city.

Saleos eagerly shows the cut across his palm, proof of his binding vow to His Infernal Highness. “Absolutely! I shall prove my worth to the King today! You have nothing to worry about!”

Amenadiel sighs. “I hope so. I’ve been told you’re supposed to buy yourself a phone, too, so just... call me when it’s done. He left my number on the note, right?”

“Yes, he did!”

“Okay. Well, good luck then, demon. And...” The angel’s expression softens. “Just- do what he asked, alright? It’s not much, but it will go a long way. You seem to be loyal to him, so I hope you’ll do your best.”

“Yes, I will!”

“Good. See you later, then.” And with a whoosh, he’s gone.

Saleos looks around, trying to get used to the different texture of the air, the smells, the sounds. Like sunlight, all these things are dulled in the loops, being the product of an illusion of the human mind. This... this is the real deal, and he only gets one day to enjoy it. But before he gets carried away by his enthusiasm, Saleos shakes his head and mentally scolds himself: he has a job to do. This is no vacation.

Once on the street, he realizes his armor stands out from the style of clothing the humans of this age like to wear, but to their credit, they don’t seem to mind too much. Most of them ignore him, others stare for one moment too long, then shake their heads and simply keep walking. Good. Their cooperation will only make this smoother.

For his first order of business, he buys the communication device mortals call “phone”. He has seen it used to receive bad news, mostly, in the case of souls remembering the exact moment something went horribly wrong – something they felt responsible for. But he knows it’s also used to capture a moment in time in something called “photograph”: there are _so_ many pictures and videos being the cause of guilt in Hell, some considered so humiliating they actually drove humans to end their own life.

With this first task completed, the second one involves using said device to... move around. When he read about it, he thought he could do it, but the truth is _using_ the wretched thing is actually more complicated than he thought, so he decides to skip the “book Uber rides” bullet point and just walk. As long as he delivers the intended gifts, he’s sure the King won’t mind the details.

Wandering aimlessly under the warmth of the sun turns out to be excruciating, though. He’s sweating, something he is so not used to, and he can’t seem to find the kind of place he needs. But people who live here must know, right? They can point him in the right direction!

Talking to living humans for the first time... wow, what a novel concept. It’s too bad Lord Lucifer asked him to keep all this a secret, otherwise Saleos would rub it in everyone’s faces once back in Hell.

He approaches a group of three young girls sitting on a bench under a small metallic roof. When they notice him just standing there, hesitating, they all look up from their phones and raise their eyebrows almost at the same time.

“Do you need anything?” one of them inquires, hair blond and tied up with a band.

“I, uh... I need to buy flowers,” Saleos explains, hastily producing the piece of paper from his pocket to make sure he doesn’t mess it up. “Fifty- fifty red roses, yes, then a box of heart-shaped chocolates in many different tastes, and-”

“Dude, you know Valentine’s Day has come and gone, right?” a second girl cuts him off, her brow furrowed. “Or do you have something to be forgiven for, by any chance?”

“Hannah, don’t be rude!” the third one intervenes, her hair and skin dark. “It’s so romantic! Look, he’s even dressed like a knight!”

“I thought he was some weird-ass cosplayer, to be honest.”

Ugh, why do these particular specimens speak in such a strange way?!

“Ignore her, she’s salty because her boyfriend just dumped her,” the kinder one smiles at him. “I think there is a flower shop on the way, if you catch the same bus we are waiting for. Come sit with us, I'll tell you when to get down!”

Saleos shrugs and does as instructed. The mean girl goes back to looking at her phone, tapping insistently on its little glass, while the helpful one stares at him like he’s something to be studied. He squirms. Is his disguise not working as it should?

“Sooo...” the female human extends the word unnaturally, “what’s the lucky one’s naaame?”

Will the King get mad if he says it? Saleos is pretty sure it’s demons Lord Lucifer worries about, and he needs these people’s help to complete his task. He decides to answer: he does remember the name from the note, where His Majesty wrote it together with the house address.

“Chloe Decker. Detective Chloe Decker.”

The girl gasps. “Oh, a detective! How exciting! And how did you two meet?”

Her expression now is almost one of feral curiosity, of wild anticipation, as if the answer will give her the satisfaction of a long, well-executed torture session.

“Oh, no, we- we never actually met,” Saleos explains. “I'm just on a mission for my master, you see. The Devil is back in Hell, and won’t be able to come visit for a while. Demon uprisings are serious business.”

The very first girl of the bunch tilts her head to the side. “Oh, so you’re a delivery guy. No, personal assistant? Damn, you make it sound like quite the stressful job! Let me guess: big guy’s too busy and makes you do everything for him?”

“Well, hey, at least he was thoughtful,” the other one jumps in before Saleos can say anything. “I mean, remember Kyle? Not one single romantic gesture in five months! At least his boss is trying!”

“Yeah, but like, does it count if you’re not doing it in person? I don’t know.”

“Of course it does! You need to lower your expectations, sweetheart, otherwise...”

“..wouldn’t have killed him to...”

“..stop judging people by...”

Saleos closes his eyes and rubs at his temples. Are all humans this chatty when they’re not busy screaming? This will take _way_ longer than he thought.

Thankfully, when the bus the girl mentioned finally arrives and allows them inside, silence falls on the little group of humans. Sucked into whatever it is that their communication devices show, they stop paying him any mind until it’s indeed time for him to get down, carried to his destination by the long and wheeled moving box. What a clever bunch, these mortals. Always inventing new ways to run each other over.

Like buying the phone, the task itself turns out to be pretty easy: he requests the flowers and the old lady behind the counter provides them, then asks for a specific amount of the money he carries with him. The roses are of a rich, dark blood-red, wrapped and kept together by a sheet of shiny red paper and a pink ribbon. Saleos tucks it under one arm and asks to be directed to an establishment that sells chocolates, which turns out to be close by.

Once that is taken care of as well, he has one last stop before the Detective’s house: a food market. Not looking forward to another ride in that stinky, crammed and loud bus, Saleos decides to ask a human to help him use the phone as Lord Lucifer originally wanted him to.

“I can’t believe you don’t know how to install apps, man,” the male specimen chuckles as he taps on the small letters he conjured on the flat and bright screen. “Is this your first smartphone or something?”

“Y-yeah,” Saleos replies, a bit embarrassed. Luckily, no one will ever know he needed this much help.

The human, tall and with dark, curly hair, gives him a warm smile. “Aw, that’s actually pretty cute. You’re a bit of a rarity, you know. It’s kind of endearing.”

“Uhm, thanks?” It’s so strange, to be complimented. Usually all he ever receives are curses.

“Well, there you go, handsome,” the guy says as he hands him back the device. “I already booked you a ride for the nearest supermarket, see? Oh, and I took the liberty to save my number in the contacts. You know, if you need any more help in the future,” he concludes with a wink. A rather... seductive one.

Oh. _Oh_. Oh no. Lord Lucifer would kill him if he took time out of his mission to mate with a human! No, no, no, this cannot happen.

“That’s... exciting, but I'll be fine!” Saleos rushes to say, before quickly moving further away along the sidewalk. The guy’s face falls, but then he simply shrugs and leaves. _Phew._

The car that was booked for him arrives and takes him to his next destination. Once inside, Saleos gets lost for a moment, captivated by all the colors and smells of the many varieties of food products humans consume to sustain themselves. Demons don’t need to eat, which is lucky, because nothing grows from the barren soul of the Underworld. Lord Lucifer keeps his gluttony satisfied by stealing from loops, but he always complains about the lack of flavor.

But back to the present. Saleos reaches the section of the market dedicated to vegetables, their reds and yellows and greens so vibrant, so lush. No wonder His Highness misses this place. Hell is so... grey and harsh and cold. Lifeless. Saleos doesn’t mind too much (he was born in it, after all), but the Devil has been visiting Earth since the beginning of creation. And what a spectacle this creation is!

Maybe that’s why he has been tasked to gift something from here. Is it romantic, to remind your loved one of the beauty of nature? Saleos assumes it must be so. He walks and walks until he recognizes the name of what he needs to buy, but there are _so_ many different types! And when he looks at the King’s note again, he doesn’t see anything specific to help him decide.

Fine. All of them it is, then. Green, purple, curly, smooth: she'll know what she likes best.

He follows humans to the line at the exit and waits for his turn to pay. Thankfully they hand him a paper bag where he can stuff his new purchase: it makes it easier to keep it under his free arm, since the other is already occupied with the roses and chocolate box. With the help of another male human (this time older and hopefully not attracted to him), he orders his phone to take him, finally, to the Detective’s residence.

It’s getting dark outside, but it’s still the same day, so he knows he’s not late. The car leaves him in front of a door, next to which he recognizes the name of Lord Lucifer’s... friend. Saleos straightens his shoulders and, a bit awkwardly given his many burdens, presses the button under the letters.

The woman opening the door is fair and thin, her hair a mix of blond and brown. The shorter bangs hanging over her forehead frame her face, while the rest is let loose over her shoulders and chest. She is wearing a grey sweater one size too big and a crumpled piece of metal rests between her breasts, attached to a silver chain.

The woman – well, Chloe Decker – eyes the roses and chocolates for a long, long moment. He’s supposed to say something, isn’t he? He had it all prepared in his head, but at this point he's kind of exhausted by the whole experience and his mind went blank.

“Uhm, can I hel-”

“Happy Detective Day from His Infernal Highness, Chloe Decker!” he finally remembers, thrusting the flowers in her face until she’s forced to take them from his grasp. The roses are so many that they cover her head from view before she lowers them at her side, staring down at them in confusion.

Then she looks up at the words, but Saleos struggles to understand her expression. Why isn’t she glad? What did he do wrong?

“Is this... is this a prank or something? Because if it is, it’s in _very_ poor taste,” the Detective says through gritted teeth, her eyes wet, before trying to push the roses back into his arms.

“No, no, no!” Saleos objects, refusing to take them. “I- I’ve been sent here by His Majesty, Lord Lucifer the King of Hell! I have been given the task to make you happy!”

Chloe Decker hesitates, her brow furrowing. “You... you’re serious?” she whispers, sounding hopeful.

Saleos takes advantage of the opening. “I am! Look, I can prove it to you! Just- please don’t scream, alright?” And with that, he lets half of his face change to show his real, demonic features.

The Detective gasps and jumps on the spot, but to her credit, she doesn’t scream. “Okay, okay, I believe you!” she gestures wildly with her hands. “Now change back, before someone-”

“Oh, cool! You must be a friend of Maze!” a miniature-sized female human suddenly appears next to Decker, hair tied in a pair of braids. The woman’s... spawn, Saleos assumes.

“You mean Mazikeen of the Lilim?” he inquires, letting his face change back as instructed. “She still lives around here, doesn’t she? She didn’t come back to the Infernal Kingdom with our Lord.”

“Yeah, but she’s helping with Linda’s baby these days,” the human offspring replies. Saleos has no idea what she’s talking about, but okay.

“Trixie!” the Detective scolds the child, her blue eyes wide. “Please, be careful what you say! He’s a _demon_.”

Oh, she’s scared for that baby! Well, understandable. Saleos can remedy.

“You have nothing to fear from me, Detective Chloe Decker. I have sworn a binding oath to my King, and shall not harm any human on my journey. My only mission here is to deliver these.”

He hands her the chocolate box and the paper bag from the supermarket. Chloe Decker accepts the gifts and, without really looking at them, makes a sound between a sob and a laugh, confusing him.

“He... These are from _him_? From Lucifer?”

Hasn’t he told her already? Saleos has had a long day. His patience is running thin.

“Yes. This is the way His Infernal Highness wished to surprise you.” The human's face is still distorted, tears starting to pool and spill out of her eyes. He panics. “Does- does this gift not please you? It’s my mission to ensure it does, or my master will be angry!”

“No, no, it does,” Chloe Decker reassures him, sniffling. With a bit of difficulty, she manages to wipe her cheeks dry with one of her sleeves, then finally looks down and into the paper bag. “But, uhm... why the cabbages?”

_Hell if I know_ , Saleos thinks with an internal roll of his eyes. It’s not his job to understand the meaning behind human traditions: there’s only so much that can be asked of him!

Thankfully, the small human called Trixie comes to the rescue, scratching the back of her head. “Those are... sorta, kinda, actually my fault, mom.”

“What do you mean, monkey?”

The child looks... slightly guilty, but not really. “Well, at some point while you were dating Marcus, Lucifer asked me for advice on how to prove that he was better. I told him to get you a car, to invite you to a romantic dinner and, well... I _might_ have made up a human tradition called _the Happiness Cabbage_.”

“The what?”

“The Happiness Cabbage! You know, you gift a very pretty cabbage to the person you care about, to say that you want them to be happy.” The girl shrugs. “I assumed he wouldn’t do it, and back then he didn’t. Maybe it didn’t seem fancy enough! But now...” She starts giggling. “I guess he remembered!”

Saleos watches in awe as Decker's mood changes immediately. She begins to laugh out loud, almost hunched over, risking to drop all the things he gave her.

“Oh, monkey! You- you literally tricked the Devil!”

“I did!” the monkey – wait, _is_ she a monkey? – replies through the laughter.

Saleos feels confused, but pleased. Laughter is good, right? Certainly better than crying.

“So... I can tell His Majesty that this made you happy, Detective Decker?”

She turns serious again, watching him in silence for a moment. “Yes, of course. Please do. How... how is he, by the way?”

Lord Lucifer did not give instructions on how to answer this, so Saleos fidgets as he ponders what to say. Surely this woman will want the truth, and His Highness despises liars in general.

“Well, he’s in a bit of a mood,” he sighs, taking the opportunity to vent his own feelings. “I mean, make no mistake, I understand! Dismemberment can be very draining, and-”

“T-Trixie, you go put the cabbages in the fridge now, yeah?” Decker stammers, her eyes huge again. The child huffs in annoyance but complies, disappearing somewhere further inside the house. Once he realizes his mistake, Saleos almost slaps himself.

“Oh, right. You humans don’t... teach that... to your young.”

“Nope,” Chloe Decker confirms, “no, we most certainly do not.”

He bows slightly, a gesture he usually reserves to his master. “My apologies, Chloe Decker. I didn’t mean to cause any discomfort. And now I shall be on my way, but before I take my leave... could you please provide proof of your happiness, as was requested by His Infernal Highness?”

Saleos takes the phone out of his pocket and hands it to her. By now the little human-who-might-be-a-monkey has returned, and the Detective gives her the roses and chocolates to hold so that her own hands are free.

“You want me to...”

“..take a photograph of yourself,” Saleos fills in for her. “His Majesty requires it. The word of a demon isn’t worth much, sadly. It’s mostly our fault, I'll admit, but sometimes it would be nice to be trusted.” Oh no, he’s rambling now. He clears his throat. “So... please, proceed.”

Chloe Decker nods, then crouches down to be at her daughter’s height and sneaks one arm around the girl’s body, holding her close. The roses and chocolates end up pressed between them as she angles the phone toward their faces.

“Smile, monkey,” the woman says cheerfully, though she looks close to tears again. “Let’s show Lucifer how happy he made us.”

They both do, then the phone makes a series of sounds to signal that the pictures are being taken. Before giving it back to him, Decker asks, “So... things from Earth can be sent back to him?”

Saleos takes the offered phone and stuffs it back in his pocket. “Yes, they can. It’s things from the loops that can’t travel between realms.”

“Oh, okay. Just- give me a moment, then.” With her index finger in the air, she turns and leaves him at the door with her spawn. Saleos shifts back and forth on the balls of his feet, feeling watched.

“Can you show me your face again?” the child pipes up, clutching the gifts to her chest. Saleos scowls.

“I got the impression your mother would not approve, human spawn.”

“Ah, it’s fine, we won’t tell her! Come on, just-”

“Here,” Chloe Decker says as she comes back, sparing him the nuisance of objecting further. “I bought this on a whim because I was missing him, but turns out I don’t really like it. It’s just... it reminded me of him, that’s all. But I think it’s better if he has it.”

She’s talking about a big, round jar made of glass, containing something that looks glossy and... sort of sticky. Saleos takes it from her reluctantly, his nose scrunching up.

“What is this? And will it please His Highness?” he feels the need to inquire as he tucks it between his chest and elbow.

“It’s avocado honey.” The woman’s lips quirk up into a smile as she says it. “And believe me, it will please him _very_ much.”

“Oh. Perfect then.” Saleos is happy to deliver anything that might improve the King’s mood. “I will make sure he receives it, Detective, thank you. And with this, my work here is done.”

“Say hi to Lucifer from us!” the spawn requests loudly, jumping up and down. “Tell him that we miss him and that we think about him all the time! And that he has to teach me how to drive when he comes back, and that-”

“Just- tell him we love him,” her mother jumps in, placating the child’s enthusiasm with a hand carding through her hair. “Please.”

Saleos nods and turns to leave. When the door closes behind him, he finally contacts Amenadiel to be flown down to Hell and waits there, looking around to take in what he can see of the mortal world before going back to his own.

Overall, it’s been tiring, but fun as well. He will always be grateful to the King for this opportunity, and he feels confident and proud, knowing he did his duty.

When he finds himself in front of the infernal throne again, he gives Lord Lucifer the phone and the honey jar. Despite how sure of himself he felt before, there is a tiny spark of self-doubt inside him, and a strong eagerness to be praised.

“Detective Decker asked me to inform you that she and her offspring love you,” he reports, expecting a big smile to blossom on his ruler's face. From what he understands, love was the point of all this, an emotion that gives humans (and apparently angels) the most extreme of joys and the most tragic of heartbreaks. In Hell, there is a lot of guilt stemming from not having had the courage to properly express it in time, or from lacking the ability to show it when it was needed.

A smile does blossom on Lord Lucifer’s face, but it’s small and his eyes are sad. After that, His Majesty does not speak for a while. His thumb moves over the phone screen again and again, right and left and right on repeat. His face does a weird dance of conflicting emotions, impossible for a demon to decipher, maybe even for a human. Saleos knows he can’t even begin to understand the dark, unknown, complicated twists and turns in the depths of his angelic soul. By definition, he is not _meant_ to.

Then, Lord Lucifer leaves the phone on the armrest of the throne and opens the jar. When he seems to recognize the smell of the substance inside, his face breaks into a grin that, unlike the one before, mostly looks manic. He dips one finger in, scoops up a small amount and sucks the digit in his mouth, moaning at the taste with his eyes closed. Is this avocado honey some sort of ambrosia?

“Oh, the Detective! She knows me _so_ well,” he sighs in bliss. The King repeats the same action a few more times, so sinfully that Saleos starts to feel uncomfortable, but he can’t just turn and leave. Then, almost as an afterthought, His Majesty addresses him, “You’re free to go, Saleos! I am very proud of you. Something tells me I might send you up again for a few more of these, so I hope you enjoyed your little journey top-side.”

And, well... did he? Looking at the giddiness on his King's face, Saleos realizes the answer is a pretty easy one.

“To be honest, Your Majesty... I really, really did.”

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like a bit of context is needed, so here goes:  
> ~ according to Wikipedia, Saleos is indeed a demon of a pacifist nature, who (and I quote) “causes men to love women and women to love men. He is depicted as a gallant and handsome soldier, and riding a crocodile”;  
> ~ the #HappinessCabbage (make it trend!) is an inside joke with other authors because of a Google Translate fail that happened on Twitter: in my language (Italian) we literally say “cabbage” to mean “dammit”, so what should have been “They deserve happiness, dammit!” ended up being translated as “They deserve the happiness cabbage”, which is now a thing Deckerstar deserves. Do you hear me, Lucifer writers? If I made it work, you can too, and I rest my case.
> 
> Update: here's the Happiness Cabbage as depicted in this [fanart](https://edenbooknerd.tumblr.com/post/618290996606894080/some-kind-of-fanart-for-violentends-lucific) by StarryEden 🥰
> 
> Update n°2: this now has a sequel! You can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24886462) ❤


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